Sibling Rivalry

I'm sure I am not alone when I say, sometimes being the "baby" sister really sucks. I grew up the youngest of three kids; two girls and one boy. There is a pretty big age difference between me and my siblings; fifteen years between my brother and me and thirteen years between me and my sister. I used to dance around singing that I was a love child because my parents had me so late in life; only to be put in my place by my sister's sarcastic snort and retort that I was, in fact, a mistake...ha, ha, ha. I never resented my sister's backhanded remarks because I loved her and always thought her remarks were made in fun.

As a child, my brother was away in the service and our relationship never truly bloomed. There was this gap between my brother and I that just could never bridge. However, my sister and I were very close and I always looked up to her; she was like this idol to me; everything that I would strive to be as a young person and later as an adult. Maybe I was a little too naive to think that a human being could do no wrong, but in my eyes, my sister was the epitome of perfection and no one could tell me otherwise...not even my sister. As I got older and look back on it now I think she tried, in her own way, to jump off that pedestal that I placed her on without completely crumbling my world. As I got older, our perfect relationship seemed to become strained and the closeness that we once shared began to slowly fade. Somewhere in there my own independent thoughts began to prevail and I found that we were no longer connecting and agreeing on things that I thought we always saw eye to eye on. I found myself knee-deep in a continuous cycle of sarcasm, condescension and intolerance, all of which resonated from my sister onto me. What I thought were just growing pains between my her and I, I later realized went much deeper.

Now to give you a little background, my brother and sister were born and raised during a time when my parents did not make a lot of money, the family struggled financially and there were not many extravagances. I, on the other hand, being the late bloomer, came during a time when the family income had grown and my parents were able to give a little more. I can't say, without a doubt, that this wasn't the cause behind the strife that later plagued my relationship with my siblings. The whole "you got more than I did" mentality seems to be the going theme with a lot of families that followed the same "rags to better rags" path as my family followed. My family, also, like many other families out there, had disputes and dysfunction. Each of us walked away with baggage from our family's history and each of us was forced to take that baggage and live with it, deal with it, suffer because of it and try to reconcile our lives despite it.

What I believe has happened through the years is that my status as the "baby" has never been extinguished and with that I have become perpetually naive and inexperienced in the eyes of my older siblings, especially my sister. It seems that because of my age and my so-called "privileged" childhood, I could not possibly understand anything that SHE has suffered through or experienced as an adult. I could never speak intelligently on any subject that SHE is knowledgeable on because my life has not equaled hers in terms of heartache or struggles and No matter what pain or suffering I have experienced in my own life's journey, my status as "the baby" it seems will forever preclude me from being empathetic to HER trials and tribulations. I go to college and leave home, I get married and have a baby, I even buy my own home and yet none of this allows me any transition into adulthood. Sadly, I am now approaching the age of 40 and I am still dealing with the same belittling and intolerance; the only difference now is that my tolerance level for it has diminished.

I sometimes have to force myself to put things into perspective and not let it get to me. I repeat in my head that this is not my problem, it's her problem, but that doesn't make the interaction any easier when I am drowning in the smugness of her under-the-breath remarks, sarcastic smirks or blatant indignation. So, what do I do? There is obviously some deep rooted resentment there that I have tried to address only to be shut down.

I don't want to lose the relationship that I have with my sister but I understand that it must change in order for "us" to survive. Well, if I follow my mom's advice I might as well accept the status quo because "family can be a difficult pill to swallow but it's one that you will have to take for the rest of your life." I don't know if I agree with that statement. Yes, my sister will always be my family but if the resentment continues to grow, so will the distance and then what will be left?.... two people who share the same DNA but nothing else and how sad is that?

I want my sister to understand that I am no longer a child and the only child eyes that I look out from are my daughter's. I want her to understand that, although my childhood and childhood sufferings were different than hers that they are, in no way, less significant. I want her to know that I can relate and empathize with her life difficulties although my journey through life and personal experiences may have been different. Most importantly, I want her to swallow something that she has fed me for years and that is that there are so many people in this world whose only goal in life is to cut you down; it is family's job to build you up, to guide you and to help you to weather the storms of your life. So, I have decided that I will fight through this, I will brave this storm in hopes that my sister will, one day, see and respect me for the woman that I have become and revel in the fact that she, herself, helped mold the woman I am today. I will hold strong because I love my sister and life is too short to allow petty differences pull you apart from the ones you love. I will do this for me and for my sister because, after all, we are family.