Say Cheez!

What If?!!!

Sophia is now 16 months old and growing fast. It seems like every time I turn around she's getting taller, or saying a new word or just doing something that reminds me that she's maturing. With every little growth spurt comes a new found independence for my little peanut and I can't say that I'm handling it too well. I'm one of those first-time mothers that, pretty much, worries about everything under the sun when it comes to my child. Sophia is one of those children who wants to do everything on her own, with practically no help from anyone and the older she gets, the more intolerant she becomes of those trying to help her.

This independence thing is hard enough to deal with but when it's coupled with the finicky eating thing and the "I-want-to-do-what-I-want-to-do-without-any-help-from-you" tantrums, well lets just say my nerves are pretty much on edge. I go through all the "what ifs" as I'm sure many first-time parents do..."what if she's got behavioral issues?" or "what if I'm not disciplining her properly?" or "what if I'm enabling her and reinforcing her bad behavior?" or my personal favorite "what if this isn't just a phase?"....what if?....what if?....what it? You could drive yourself crazy thinking about all the "what ifs" and not having any answers. I told myself that when Sophie was born, I would not be one of those parents that smothered my child or worried about every little thing...BUT I AM! I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't call my babysitter a hundred times a day but I can be a bit doting at times.

I'm so excited about watching Sophia grow; I'm overjoyed when she says a new word or does something that she's never done before...I live vicariously through my child. However, I worry everyday about her safety, about her growth and whether I'm doing what I need to do as a parent to ensure that she is being raised properly. As great as it is to be a parent, it is equally as terrifying to have the responsibility because, for me, I'm always worried that I'm doing something that will ruin my child's future. All my friends who have been parents longer than Tom and I, constantly tell us not to worry; they spit that favorite "children don't come with manuals" line at us...a mantra that we have come to respect and repeat whenever we are having doubts. Thank God for all our friends and family who have suffered patiently through all of our questions and irrational fears and offered support and pieces of advice that have guided us along the way.

I have come to learn, or shall I say, I am continually learning to try to relax and enjoy my baby girl. While I know raising her is and will not always be easy, the joy comes from knowing that I, with the help of my hubby, have created this beautiful little girl who, with our help, will one day become a beautiful woman. She will have the whole world to explore and will do marvelous things with the tools we give her today. We will make mistakes (hopefully not too huge) and we will learn from those mistakes and we will continue to heed the advice we receive from those we trust and take it day by day.

Mommy's Home - Advice to a Friend (and Soon-To-Be-Mommy)

One of the highlights of my day is to come home and see my baby girl smiling back at me. I walk into the room and she lights up and then I light up. I don't think I've ever felt so much love as the love that comes from my daughter; she gives it freely, unsparingly and with vigor and true enthusiasm. There are days when I have come home from work just feeling run down and lifeless and as soon as I walk through that door and see Sophia's face, I instantly feel peace and happiness; the peace part is kind of funny considering that I really don't get any peace during the hours that my daughter is awake....but it's so worth it.

I have a very close friend who is expecting her first baby and she emailed me the other day and said that she was "scared to death" of becoming a mother. I could totally relate to what she is feeling because I was in her shoes prior to Sophie's birth. The anxiety over whether I was "truly" ready to be a parent in all senses of the word...ready. I kept having these weird dreams that I had forgotten to feed my babies for days and I just woke up one morning and remembered that I hadn't fed her....in days. I would wake up in sweats. God bless my husband, who did his best at squashing any ridiculous fears that I may have had, while trying to process and reconcile his own fears. You know, I have heard horror stories from some women whose husbands or significant others were completely absent mentally, emotionally, and physically during their pregnancies and I feel so thankful that Tom was not one of those men.

Tom was truly involved during all stages of my pregnancy. He went to almost every doctor's visit, he'd make those midnight runs for me when I had severe cravings, he rode the hormonal roller coaster with me...up and down...uppppp and downnnn and, most importantly (at least for me),  he communicated. I'm a talker and a dreamer and Tom would sit and talk to me for hours about us becoming parents, about my fears and about his fears, etc., etc. He was great and I don't think I've told him enough what it meant to me that he was there. He was also the one holding my hand and coaching me through my delivery which I KNOW I could not have gotten through without him. If you are lucky enough to have someone in your life who is willing to walk this journey with you, let them lead sometimes. Let others help you because you will need it. Don't be afraid to sit down and surrender and let those who love you...help you.

Anyway, for me, the motherly instinct instantly kicked in as soon as Sophia was born; I felt it right away, the anxiety of whether she was ok, the need to hold her and protect her from the world and make sure she had everything she needed to survive. I, instantly, knew that it was my job to make sure that this little baby would grow up happy and healthy and I knew that I wanted that job. I didn't know if I was completely ready or prepared for it, but I knew that this was MY job and I wanted it. This would probably be the only job, in my lifetime, that I would actually welcome and truly love.

So to my friend, who is now only a few months away of becoming a brand new mommy to a baby boy (just found out today Yayyyyy!) I say...be happy, enjoy motherhood (the good, the bad and the ugly) because there is nothing like it. One day you will turn around and have this amazing, overwhelming realization that you are a mommy and as scary as that can be, there is no other feeling like it in this world. There will be days when you feel like you are going insane, when you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock but trust me...even those days you will come to love. It's the terrifying, never ending roller coaster that you will to love to ride. I have had an amazing ride thus far and I look forward to the numerous rides yet to come. I can tell you that your life will be enriched by your son's presence and he will bring you joy like you never felt before. Good luck sweetie and be the great mom that I know you will be.

On The Go Go Go!!!

My little Sophinator has been on the go lately. Now that she has mastered the art of walking (and running) nothing stops her. Play dates, birthday parties...this kid schedule is full...she has more of a social life than her mom and dad.

She cracks me up with her silly little faces. Sophie is the ultimate comedian.

Soph is such a little goofball! She loves the swing.

 

Soph rides in her cousins corvette

I told Tom..."Oh boy, you know what this means now...

she's gonna want one in hot pink."

Enjoying a little wagon ride with her buddy Lance

Happy Mother's Day

This is my second Mother's Day as an official mom. Motherhood has meant so many things to me; it has meant maturity, responsibility, bliss, fear, anticipation, unconditional love, anxiety, pure happiness and the list goes on and on and on. When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I really could not see myself as a mom or at least it wasn't foremost in my mind. I liked kids but, at that time, I could honestly say that I didn't want any (a blessing to my parents) but I always knew that down the line, I would.

It was until Tom and I began dating and got married that I really had a desire to have a child. I knew I was with the person that I wanted to spend my life with and share the responsibility and joy of raising a child. I had previous boyfriends that, in my own immaturity, I thought were "the ones" that I wanted to marry and have kids with but let me just say "thank God for divine intervention." Raising kids is probably "the" most important job there is and it's not one to take lightly. I would never recommend it to someone who was not strong of heart because it can be a thankless job and you have to really want it.

Sophia was dearly wanted yet unexpected. She came during a very tumultuous time in my life, but again, divine intervention was definitely at play. I have grown in so many ways since this little being has blessed my life. I can sincerely say that I didn't truly know love until I knew Sophia...she is my day and night and all in between. I love her as I could love nothing else. Of course, I love my husband and my family and friends, but a mothers love for a child is altogether different. I could never understand my parents and why they put up with so much crap from me and my siblings...well now I know.

I don't want to belittle what great things and great human beings fathers are, but mothers have a special gift...they have the gift of opening their souls and releasing life into the world. The bonds between mothers and their children are different for just that reason because the mother is the bearer of life. Now, we know that that life could not be without the father but the mother has to nurture that life from its conception and she is the one that feels and experiences every initial movement of growth. How lucky are we?!?! Also, I want to emphasize that when I say "mother" or "father" I am referring to those individuals who not only create the life but who are a strong and positive presence in those lives throughout. Anyone can create life...what you do next matters just as much. Oh, and don't let me forget kudos to those mom and dads out there who didn't create the life, for whatever unfortunate reason, but who choose to adopt and raise that life as if it were truly their own.

Anyway, since I have become a mom, my life has completely changed, for the better. It has not always been easy and there have been many a night that I've cried myself to sleep wondering if I'm doing right by my little one, but when I wake up in the morning and see her smiling at me, I know it's all worth it.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life and to all mothers everywhere.